Mike Jacobs, former Royal, before striking out.

I’d like to introduce a very special guest today, Royals GM Dayton Moore. Moore has been at the helm of Kansas City since 2006 and has guided the Royals to a record of 1-0 if the criteria were futility and success. That’s tough to beat. Heck, even the Pirates have developed some nice pieces and have made a few shrewd decisions of late. I interviewed Moore this morning. Check it out.

JMK: Thanks for being here, Dayton. Let’s start with player development. Why the decision to send Alex Gordon back to the minors?

Moore: Pleasure to be here, JMK. That’s easy, c’mon, give me a hard question! Alex Gordon was hitting .194  when we sent him down. It was also clear that we had much better players at third base in Willie Bloomquist, who’s sure to have his number retired here in Kansas City when his career is over. We didn’t want Gordon blocking younger, more talented players like Bloomy and Callapso. Gordon single-handedly set this franchise back a few years.

JMK: But Dayton, both Bloomquist and Callapso are older than Gordon and I’m guessing 9 out of 10 people, you being the odd man out, would say Gordon has far more talent. Also, Gordon only played in 12 games. Is it fair to say that was his baseline? His peripherals seem to indicate the numbers would have improved.

Moore: Are they older? They have young faces. Look just like kids. You have to remember that I was a scout. I see things differently. I have extreme talent as a player evaluator. Bloomquist and Callapso are better than Gordon. Anyway, left field is a far more valuable position defensively and knowing that we won’t be able to retain David DeJesus and having such promising players like Callapso and Bloomquist, we sent Gordon down to work on his swing and learn the outfield. As a scout, I saw mechanical problems with Gordon’s swing. They had to be fixed in AAA. 12 games is more than enough time to determine if someone is ready or not.

JMK: Isn’t 3rd base is a far more valuable position than left field? Beyond that, Gordon has posted a line of .322/.446/.579 in the minors and was pretty decent at 3rd a few years ago. Is he that bad now he’d need to be moved off position? And hasn’t his performance in AAA assuaged some concerns about his hitting? What more can he do down there?

Moore: Nope, that’s incorrect. Erratic outfielders of mediocre or limited ability, middle relief pitchers and first basemen/DH-types are the most valuable. Those are the big-money players. We don’t think Gordon will ever be the player we thought he’d be when we drafted him, but he can still be a very important piece of what we’re doing down in Omaha.

There are mechanical issues with his swing. Every time he swings he turns almost completely around and for some reason always seems to run the opposite direction of Kansas City. Sort of like how Huskies always run north, you know? Rick Ankiel had some weird shit like that too for a while, maybe we can get them to have lunch and talk about it. But we expect he and Kila should guide them to a few PCL championships before their time is up.

JMK: Speaking of Kila – he’s tearing the cover off the ball and has just mashed the minors the past few years. He’s 26 now, like Gordon. Why haven’t you called him up?

Moore: As I said, he and Gordon are very key pieces to our Omaha AAA team. We want to get the players we feel can improve the big club used to winning. Those guys being around Gordon and Kila will develop some good confidence. They’ll win because Kila and Gordon are good AAA players but not good MLB players. They need to be accustomed to it. Kila stays and that’s the bottom line, same for Gordon. Besides, we brought him up last year. It wasn’t a big enough sample to show that he could stick in the majors. We have Billy Butler firmly entrenched as our 1B and Jose Guillen as our DH, both top-10 players in the game. No room for him with all this talent here in KC.

Alex Gordon, not Dayton Moore or owner David Glass, is why the Royals are in last place. Yep.

JMK: But Kila was up for 12 games in 2009. You just said that you evaluated Alex Gordon based on 12 games. Why the difference? And Butler may be a nice piece, but why continue to stick with Guillen? Even if he’s hitting fairly well, which he is, on his contract, he’s a net negative. That money could be used to improve the team in other ways, right?

Moore: Trust the process.

JMK: But…that doesn’t make sense. The process has been to spend tons of money on cruddy, expensive, injury-prone players at easy-to-fill positions, develop good prospects or haphazardly rush them and then inexplicably demote them, and then say, ‘trust the process.’ Or sometimes just not promote prospects who could help the team at all. Why should they trust that model? It doesn’t appear to work.

Moore: Look, we have a lot of very promising, solid players on our team. We’re going to compete. Soria, Butler, Greinke, Meche, Aviles are all very solid players. We have talent. But we are in a small market. One bad signing can cripple us for years. So we need to be very careful. We work really hard to get this right. We’ve made some really good signings and our teams are improving every year. Lots of folks thought we’d be a sleeper this year. If not for some injuries, we’d be running away with the Central.

JMK: I think it was Ken Griffey Jr. who said you’d be a sleeper. Also, has it really been one bad signing? Farnsworth, Ankiel, Guillen, Meche, Posednick, Sidney Ponson, Tony Pena Jr., Wilson Betemit, Coco Crisp, Bruce Chen, Mike Jacobs. Those are all bad signings; that’s a pattern. And those are within two years for the most part. Why not shy away from spending big money on guys like Farnsworth, Guillen and Soria and invest in player development and the draft or use it to reinforce more valuable positions? You’ve been successful lately going over the slot with draft picks and even dipping into IFA lately. Shouldn’t that be the approach? Extreme player development while retaining the best of a stocked farm? That could definitely work with a $75 million payroll, right?

Moore: Farnsworth has been really good this year, so has Soria. They’re worth the money. Not every player you sign works out. That’s just the way it is. But we’re certainly going to be investing time and resources into our farm system. We need the farm to be successful.

JMK: No. They’re not worth the money. On a different team, sure. But it doesn’t make sense to have a team with no shot of winning with expensive players in roles where they can’t be utilized to greatly impact winning records. It’s a poor allocation of resources. For fans in 20-something other cities, this isn’t “just the way it is.”

Moore: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve never heard the phrase about allocating things. My college degree is in Phys. Ed. That means I figure out how fast it takes someone to climb a rope with a stop watch. Slow down with these Ivy Tower words, kid. I’m not impressed.

[...]

As-of-now Free Agent pitcher Jarrod Washburn.

In following last year’s deadline strategy of dealing away veterans for young prospects, Seattle Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik plans to add a new wrinkle this trade deadline — he’s re-signing last year’s bait, starting pitcher Jarrod Washburn, to a FA contract. Zduriencik has told other league Executives that Washburn will start one game in Saefco Field as an audition and then plans to ship him off for an modest (read: immense) return.

If all goes well, the flyball pitcher playing with one of the best defenses in a pitcher’s park, may yield a return of a top prospect like Domonic Brown of the Phillies or Jesus Montero of the Yankees, Zdiroencik said.

The GM, who took over for perennial laughingstock nitwit Bill Bavasi in 2009, has yet to sign Washburn, who ended up being traded from the Mariners to the Detroit Tigers last year, where he went on to post a record of 1-3 with an ERA of 7.33 in 8 starts for Baghdad Midwest. Washburn also spurned an offer from the Minnesota Twins this past winter, reportedly for $5 million, leading many to believe there was absolutely no market for the veteran right-hander.

Zduriencik, however, said he’s confident he can re-sign the veteran for under $4 million and find a suitor, though as a Free Agent all teams are able to negotiate with Washburn. It’s been reported that Washburn believes his value is highest in larger parks where the ball doesn’t carry well, and he may be open to signing a lower deal to find that situation. He indicated through his agent Scott Boras that he’d also be open to a trade after his value jumped.

Said Zduriencik, “We’re going to take the rest of what we owe Ken Griffey Jr. and give it to Wash. We actually forgot to pay Jr. for the last two months or so, but he never said anything and we kinda just assumed he was asleep. So we pocketed it. We’ve got like $2 million from that, plus what we planned to pay him before he ‘retired’. So we’re good,” he told the Seattle Times on Thursday morning.

Jack Zduriencik, Mariners GM, before a sailing trip with Gordon and his fishermen.

According to SI’s Jon Heyman, who first broke the report, it may not actually be such an outlandish idea. “Someone will give something up for him,” the longtime reporter said. “People always forget that Washburn sucks and always overpay. The Mariners know that better than anyone. It’s like teams don’t even watch him; they just see his final line and think, ‘Hey, he’s pretty good.’ They never remember that he’s pretty much awful anywhere outside of here and maybe Petco. Totally worth the few million dollars for some top prospects,” he said, adding that “Scott Boras is the man.”

For what it’s worth, Washburn still thinks he’s got a lot left in the tank. Despite his questionable peripherals from last year, he feels better and stronger than ever, attributing it to not drinking caffinated beverages, a new workout routine, Lasik eye surgery, a marsupial pouch sewn onto his stomach so he can carry his young son with him while ‘at work,’ and an all-starch diet.

“People forget that I came in 4th in the Cy Young voting in 2002 and I had an ERA of 3.20 in 2005. For fuck’s sake, I had an ERA under 2.65 for half of last year! I know what I’m doing out there and I can help a team, especially with all the work I put in over the winter and throughout the season. I’m excited for a new challenge,” he said from his home in Wisconsin.

Although in exchange for Washburn in 2009,the Tigers shipped off Luke French, thought by most in baseball to be a 5th starter/longman in the big leagues, and Mauricio Robles, a hard-throwing Venezuelan with great stuff and good upside, industry insiders are saying even that type of return for an aging, below-average pitcher is unlikely, although most baseball executives seem to have forgotten who Washburn is in the first place.

To his credit, Zduriencik remains hopeful it will all work out. “I was asking for Austin Jackson for Washburn last year. Fuck no did they do that. I mean, they’re not crazy or anything. But you don’t get what you don’t ask for. We also asked for Robinson Cano for Ryan Langerhaus. The look on their faces. Hah, that was great! It makes asking for Jesus Montero plus 2 top prospects seem reasonable in comparison.”

Zdurienick is counting on the Mariners receiving some good luck, noting that they’re hopeful “some complete moron like Jim Hendry will give us Starlin Castro and Tyler Colvin if we agree to eat Wash’s salary.

Removing his beret, Zdurienick’s face then lit up. With his pointer finger extended toward the ceiling of his office in Saefco, he shouted: “Ohh, wait a second! The Dodgers! They desperately need starting pitching, right? How much says they’ll give up (SS prospect) Dee Gordon along with an arm or two? $20 bucks says Frank McCourt sees that deal and thinks he just saved a few hundred thousand dollars.”

“Is Dave Littlefield still running the Pirates?” he asked. “He might give up McCutchen or Alvarez, though he’d probably forget all about them anyway and they’d be eligible for the Rule V draft,” Zduriencik uttered, laughing hysterically, high-fiving staff members between breaks to play the Nintendo Wii.

The GM also plans to trade starting pitcher Cliff Lee within a few weeks and he’s privately been telling GM’s he’d consider a Twins offer of Morneau, Mauer, Ramos and Hicks; or a Texas offer of Neftali Feliz, Justin Smoak, Josh Hamilton and Ron Washington’s cocaine stash; or possibly BJ Upton, David Price and Desmond Jennings of the Rays but thinks he can do better. They’re also asking the Nationals for Stephen Strasburg, Ian Desmond, Josh Willingham and Bryce Harper as a player-to-be-named-later, though the Natinals appear uninterested.

Privately, other GM’s have said they’re not sure if Zduriencik is crazy or another GM really is that stupid. “I mean, shit, it’s two months of Cliff Lee. To empty the farm for two months for a guy who is almost guaranteed to test free agency? If they can do it good for them, but they’ve already turned down an offer of Ramos and Hicks from the Twins. I doubt they’ll do any better.”

He did add, however, that he saw a guy just called up named “Jared Washenbern,” a pitching prospect the M’s brought over from Germany. “He just threw his first game last night. He might be able to fetch a few good prospects,” he said. “Excellent mechanics.”

In a find scholars and Twitter users are calling “an unbelievable discovery,” anthropologists have located an 8” by 11” magic erase board containing White Sox manager Ozzie’s Guillen’s native language and translations into something sort of resembling English. The board, found in a parking lot at a bar near U.S. Cellular Field, contained the phrases [...]

Longtime Yankees radio commentator Suzyn Waldman will join Michael Kay and Tino Martinez in the YES Network booth, reports George King III in today’s New York Post. Waldman gained a great deal of notoriety after her reaction to the Roger Clemens signing in 2007, but has since regained the respect she may have lost then [...]

In a huge blow to sport fans and people that value some sense of clarity, dignity and interest in the course of watching professional baseball and football games, Joe “Fisticuffs” Buck signed a deal with Fox Sports to keep him on the air as Fox’s top sportscaster for another painful four years. He’ll again team [...]

Jesus Christ’s triumphant return to Earth didn’t exactly go as planned, much to the disapointment of The Lord. Due to what Christ is calling “a clerical error,” the Lord has been banished to Hell, and if he’s unable to learn the language, the culture and the economic market, he may be stuck there for the [...]

This billboard has already begun to be taken down after today's news.

In their continuing need for speed, the Raiders will soon announce the signings of US Speed Skaters Apolo Anton Ohno and Shani Davis, whom they will convert to WR. Davis and Ohno each signed 15 year, $372 million contracts, with $120 million up front guaranteed. While Davis and Ohno both have never played football before, they could not pass up the big paydays offered by the Raiders, which puts their skating paydays to shame.

Via text message, Davis revealed that he has never even touched a football before, and Ohno has never actually handled a football, but growing up was repeatedly pelted by footballs while ice skating. While they fully expect to fail, Al Davis would not stop sending carrier pigeons until they agreed to sign.
So how exactly did we come to this point? During the recent Winter Olympics in Vancouver, the Raiders crack scouting staff converted their speed on ice to determine that Ohno and Davis would run in the 3.7-3.9 range in the 40. Now, that time is obviously dead wrong and humanly impossible, but again, this is the Raiders. For Al Davis, this was a dream come true.

While there may be some concern about the skaters ability to catch the ball, never mind take a hit, Davis quickly brushed those concerns aside. “These guys are so fast, they simply will not get hit, and as far as catching the ball, does it really matter? If we hit on 1 of every 10 long passes (ironically enough 10% is roughly JaMarcus Russell’s completion percentage), we will be well on our way to the Super Bowl.”

When further pressed about recent draft busts Russell and Darius Heyward-Bey, Davis refused to consider them busts, simply stating that they didn’t have the right pieces around them. “These guys have had no chance due to their surrounding cast which is clearly Lane Kiffin’s fault, but today is a new beginning for the Raiders. Can you imagine an offense with a QB who can throw the ball 125 yards with the flick of a wrist, an outside guy in Heyward-Bey who can run a 4.10 (Davis timed it with his own eyes), a long track speed skater like Shani Davis on the outside running a 3.7, and Ohno, the short track skater, in the slot running a 3.9? This will simply be the greatest offensive in NFL history.”

Davis argued he fully expect this team to score as many points as the 2009 Saints and the 2007 Patriots–combined. “By 2011 there will be a mercy rule instituted in the NFL after what happens in Los Angeles this year,” he told a confused crowd of reporters. Al seems to have forgotten that the Raiders moved back to Oakland 13 years ago, but he was on a roll and nobody bothered to correct him.
Stay tuned for more breaking Raiders’ news, as reports are surfacing that they have Bode Miller in their sights to displace Zach Miller at Tight End. We are currently working on getting a camera to follow Tom Cable as he hikes in the woods of New Hampshire to get to Bode’s childhood home. Considering Cable’s physique and physical condition, he is not expected to arrive for at least 2 weeks.

Cromartie intercepts a paternity suit.

NFL free agency began with a bang, both figuratively and literally. Star cornerback and noted sperm spreader Antonio Cromartie has been traded from the San Diego Chargers to the New York Jets for a 2011 3rd-round draft pick.

“I’m a excited for a new start,” the troubled but talented corner told the New York press Friday morning. “In fact, on the way here, I had sex with four different women on the plane to celebrate. At least three of those biddies had babies on the flight,” he said, laughing and adjusting himself. “But they ain’t mine.”

The 2010 Census takers aren’t laughing, though. Said a spokesman: “That flight went over 12 states, meaning, along with the seven kids he already has in six different states, he has had kids born in as many as nine states, and we don’t know which ones. We have no way to figure out which states these kids were born in, who the mothers are, what their education level is, their race, how many gallons of milk they can drink before vomiting. This is really going to fuck up our records. Total logistics cluster fuck. What an asshole. We might not even release our data until 2012 because of him.”

While beaurocrats are fuming, Jets head coach Rex Ryan couldn’t be happier. “We got Antonio Cromartie? Really? That’s fucking awesome. Oh man, pussytubing just got 100 times better. I gotta call the team. We’re eating steaks tonight!”

[Edit: In addition to putting up a picture of his relative, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, I also assumed Antonio was also a Rodgers-Cromartie. He's not. So, my failures cannot be quantified. I stinks. Thanks to AISD for the heads ups.]