Having juuuuust gotten back from a two-week vacation without television and internet (which is somewhat distressing in today’s Age of Instant), I’m woefully ignorant of what’s taken place in sports over the past few weeks. And according to newspapers and cable news, apparently the only other notable thing to have happened in a while is the death of Jimmy Dean Sausage and something like 6 gazillion gallons of oil are flowing into the Gulf of Mexico every nine seconds. I’m waiting for a Scooby Doo villain to emerge any day now until Kevin Costner saves the day, all to the chorus of “I would have gotten away with it if not for you meddling actors!” As such, it would be difficult to provide much analysis on what’s transpired in sports or life otherwise. But fuck it, here’s a quick roundup. Also, I’ll be liveblogging the Yankee-Phillies game tonight.

That darn meddling actor!

*Football power conferences are playing musical chairs and it seems the Big 12 is the big loser here. They were poached by the Big 10 (who now have an even amount of schools again, and most of them are gritty, “fundamentally sound” Midwesterners with less-than-impressive athletic skill and make for boring games, both in football and basketball) and the Pac-10 (Hey Pac-10, you know Colorado hasn’t been relevant since Kordell Stewart, right?).

Colorado to the Pac-10 (Utah tagged along; Boise St. moves to the Mountain West) and Nebraska drops into the Big 10. Seriously, now that these conferences have a different number of institutions than they tout, will they rename themselves to clear up any confusion? The Big 12 (formerly the Big 10), the Pac 12, the Big 10 (formerly the Big 12)?

The Wall Street Journal has a pretty interesting idea on how to restructure college football to make things more engaging. The cure? An English Premier League format. Worth a read, although it’s infeasible, largely because it makes some modicum of sense.

More of this should be featured in the World Cup.

*Speaking of soccer, the World Cup has started. This is roughly the one time of year Americans feign interest in a sport we’re still surprisingly good at despite caring about slightly less than important current events, obesity and wheelchair water polo. For those unfamiliar with soccer (or as other backwater bastions call it, “football”), it’s like foosball. Except your players aren’t attached to steel rods, you have to do a lot of running and the stadium always sounds like a Tampa Bay Rays game with the horns always going off. Both sports involve drinking and endurance, though football requires endurance in the tax it collects by just watching a bunch of dudes kick the ball back and forth until some arbitrary clock reads -7:32. Foosball is merely taxing in binge drinking and masturbating scenarios (shit can really do a number on the wacking wrist).

The soccer players usually play professionally in Spain, Italy or England, but are generally from some shit hole in Africa and somehow are representing like Norway or something. Really confusing how that all works out. Anyway, true to its fashion, Spain lost to the Swiss (who I figured would call it a draw out of mere habit) because some guy representing the Swiss was African but played on a club team somewhere else. Many bulls were slaughtered afterward. Spaniards may also be considering another Inquisition to jump-start their economy. [...]

I think Tom Izzo should take the Cleveland Cavaliers job.  He is a fantastic college coach, but only a so-so recruiter.  In his time at Michigan State the best players he’s coached have been who, Jason Richardson and Zach Randolph?  Solid players, but certainly not the best of the best.  He’s one of those guys, like Bobby Knight, that gets the best out of what he has, and if given the same players, could outcoach almost anyone.  I always love watching Michigan State play as their fundamentals are very sound and his players always seem to box out, which is seemingly a lost cause these days.  If he takes the job and they lose Lebron though, it’ll suck.  If he takes the job and fails, he’ll end up with a better college job in a few years anyway.  As a college free agent, he would be in huge demand.

I’ve always believed that if soccer was the #1 sport in the US, we would dominate.  If all of the best athletes picked soccer at a young age wouldn’t we be great?  Instead soccer is at least 4^th amongst the top athletes in the US, if not 5^th.  Seriously, if someone had put a soccer ball in Lebron James’ hands, or at his feet, as a 3 year old, couldn’t he be great?  Imagine him in goal at 6’8, 260 pounds with ridiculous athleticism?  Or how about Kevin Garnett (in his prime), 7’0 tall, huge length and cat like quickness?  Or how about Reggie Bush or Chris Paul as strikers?  I doubt it will ever happen, especially in my lifetime, but I would love to see an alternate universe where America took soccer seriously as the biggest sport, just to see how good we could be. [...]