Rasheed Wallace's light switch: Break glass in case of playoffs

Every year, in almost every sport we hear about how a struggling team is just waiting to “flip the switch” late in the season and in the playoffs.  This, 99% of the time is total bullshit.  For the most part, these switches never get flipped, and the team faces an early exit in the playoffs.  While it appears the Celtics have flipped the switch, I’m not so sure I buy it.

This Celtics team is clearly not the same team that struggled through the regular season.  After a dynamite start, they were a roughly .500 team after Christmas.  Now they look unstoppable.  Why is this, what happened to this team if it wasn’t the switch being turned on?

For one thing, Rajon Rondo has established himself as arguably the best Celtic, and definitely the most important Celtic.  While I think the Big 3 will acknowledge that now, it didn’t come easily.  Here you have 3 future Hall of Famers who have already delivered a title, and a cocky kid like Rondo seemed to want a bigger piece credithe  pie, so to speak.  Rondo’s cockiness is part of what makes him great, but he’s been known to piss of teammates, coaches and opponents on a regular basis.  He wasn’t going to be given control of this team, but that wasn’t going to stop him from taking it, however possible.  I certainly don’t think that’s what the Big 3 wanted, and it was a season long struggle to arrive where we are now.  This team revolves around Rajon Rondo, and at this point there is no denying it.

Another factor in this “new” Celtics team is health.  Kevin Garnett, with a ton of miles on his knees was playing on one leg all year.  After coming back from a serious (and rare) surgery, Garnett was a shell of his former self.  While he’ll never get back to where he was, his energy and play has been night and day compared to the majority of the regular season.  Paul Pierce, while he didn’t miss time, was beat up all year and his play often suffered.  He appears to be healthy, and after a down series against Cleveland going up against Lebron, Pierce is back to the form that made him a Finals MVP two years ago.

Rasheed Wallace.  Well, Rasheed himself flipped the switch, no doubt about it.  Hell, he even admitted it recently in an interview.  I was excited about the Rasheed signing at the time, but I quickly (like 2 minutes into his first appearance) soured on him.  He never ventured inside either 3 point line and was carrying a D-Cup in his jersey. Even in February and March, we kept hearing about how Sheed was still working on getting into game shape.  What veteran leadership.  True to his word though, Sheed has flipped his own switch and has played his role perfectly in the playoffs. [...]

His pranks are legend.

Just kidding. He got community service and he has to hang out with some other sweaty dudes in some random halfway house for a month. But I think people are getting all crazy about this case. We’re losing sense of what’s really important here. It’s not about a famous athlete getting off on charges “normal” citizens would be sent to jail for. No, my friends (non-John McCain division), it’s about small-minded people not having a sense of humor. When you take everything so seriously that the sight of laughter and bemusement disturbs your evil, puritanical values, you become our enemies. You become Al-Quaeda.

According to his attorney, “Gilbert likes to play pranks.” That’s all this was. This wasn’t some crime; this is just a prank that got out of hand, according to some. It’s nothing more. Sure, he lied about his involvement, had a gambling debt he wanted to collect, and covered up the incident. That shit happens to me all the time. Just part of the game. Let me explain.

Usually when I go to the office, I like to leave messages on co-workers’ desks that read “You dead, dawg,” and toss grenades filled with hot peppers and Cheetos by the coffee maker. (The Cheetos really throw them off. Confusion is your friend when ‘pranking’.) Then after everyone has panicked and cried about terrorism and all that shit, I bust out my boom box, throw up “Like a Boss” to full volume, and shoot dates on the calender with my crossbow. Yeah, HR gets pissy about that and sometimes I even hide what I did by telling Homeland Security that it was an intern, but again, the cover up is part of the game. All in the game know it’s just a harmless prank. Eventually, people laugh and realize that their little troubles like “what will I do about my crippling debt,” or “is bone cancer serious?” or “what the fuck is going on in Lost?” are insignificant. They value life after they’ve felt its tentacles plucking them to a new portal. But some fucking people get way too bent out of shape about this stuff and miss the greater message.

Now sure, I spent a few months in incarceration for that one. Whooptie fucking do. That prank was awesome and it really brought up morale (though some have contested that it was my subsequent firing and incarceration responsible for that). All pranksters know there’s a risk to pranks. Did you see the look on Barbara’s face when I held a hunting knife to her pregnant belly and said “boy or girl?” while smiling? Then I throw dice at it, see what numbers land and tell Barbara to “pick one.” That was fucking epic. I really got her on that one! She literally peed herself. **Self high-five**

I told the judge it was a misunderstanding, she knew my threat wasn’t serious, and was all upset ’cause I got the promotion and didn’t react well. I told him I donated a few bucks to the Ronald McDonald fund a few months ago, so I obviously care a lot about the community. Thought that would mean something. And by Barbara peeing everywhere, I was able to get OT for Javier, the maintenance man. His family could really use that money. For that reason alone I should have gotten community service and some probation, I had my lawyer tell him. But then the judge was all like, “You’ve shown that you’re a dangerous individual with no remorse for the heinous crimes you’ve committed” and blah, blah, blah, I sentence you to however long it was.

But he wouldn’t stop. He kept calling me an example of a broken system, saying I typify what’s wrong with today’s crime culture. I kept saying it was funny and her pee had blood in it and I recommend she see a doctor upon discovery. That might have saved her pregnancy. So it’s not like I didn’t do anything good. But hey, he wasn’t in the know. He didn’t get pranks. That’s why we need more awareness of pranks. People always look for the bad and never see the many benefits. That’s why I’m glad Gilbert’s case brought some much-needed publicity.

Sometimes I even like to do “The Arenas” at the YMCA I go to. You know, in the locker room. Let me fill you in—the locker room is the unofficial ground zero for pranksters. Sure, there are quirks — never in my life have I seen so many wrinkled testicles — but the look on people’s faces when they open up their locker and find rattlesnakes on their clothes is priceless. Busts me up in stitches every time! The kids usually laugh, too. And who could hate the laughter of a child? (Except my niece Tara. She sounds like a warthog being gutted.)

One time I went to an NRA meeting wearing a gold Jason Giambi thong. I stared deep into the eyes of the audience, placed my guns on the table and said, “pick one” to the crowd. You know what they did? They all rushed to the table and stole my pieces! All of them! Every single fucking one of them. That shit was expensive. But hey, that’s the game. Can’t be upset about that. You win some, you lose some. Besides, they thought it was great. They called me a “patriot” and said my donation was “heroic.” Those people get it. We need more of those folks. Reasonable, open-minded people that can laugh about life.

I’m not mad that Gilbert didn’t get jail time for his prank. Good for him. Yeah, maybe he got by on his fame and fortune, but let’s give credit where credit’s due—Agent Zero pranked the justice system. And those fools fell for it. But I also recognize not all can be martyrs, and Gilbert cannot die for the cause. He is too important. He needs to be out there pranking people, spraying children in the face with bear mace, putting Fun-Dip in envelopes and mailing it to legislators,  The movement needs a face. It needs to prompt awareness. Pranks are just good ‘ol fun that brings smiles to the faces of many. I will bear that cross. I will dedicate my heart and soul to educating the meek to the matters of The Game.

So, to my coworkers (you too, Barbara), Javaris Crittenden (what kind of stupid-ass name is that anyway?), general complainers, “justice” advocates, detectives, prosecutors and judges—you can prosecute and persecute me for maintaining the sense of humor, freedom and good-natured joshing I bring to The Game. For I am pure. You’re the ones who are guilty! If you can’t laugh about pranks, you’ve doomed us to a fate of humorless zealotry lacking tolerance and an enduring human spirit. You are no different than Al Quaeda. And make no mistake, we will defeat our enemies. So go ahead, open that locker…

Picture credit: truthaboutit.net

LifeAlert, help! The WNBA has fallen and it can't get up! It fell 14 years ago.

In what may be the most news-packed week in WNBA/women’s basketball history (solely by virtue that there is some news), disgraced Olympic sprinter Marion Jones will be joining the Tulsa Shock.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure if she can answer the most pressing WNBA-related question:

If a WNBA player dunks, but no one is there to see it, does it still raise awareness of breast cancer?

But seriously, I’m sorry to say it…but men, women, lesbians, gays, transvestites, Lady Gagas—no one wants to watch women play basketball because there’s a vastly superior product on the market in the NBA and men’s college basketball. Even if they weren’t there, I’m not sure anyone would watch WNBA games.

The WNBA is not an exciting brand of basketball. It’s slow, it’s about fundamentals, good (though awkward looking) shooting, layups and few marketable players. They need to face facts. I’m all for equality, but if there’s no market, it’s not going to work. Why the NBA gives them a dime is beyond my understanding. You know how TV deals usually happen? Networks pay to televise the league’s games. Do you know how it works in the WNBA? They pay the networks to televise the games! According to recent figures, a sprinkle over 400,000 households watch televised WNBA games. That’s about roughly what The Marriage Ref can expect to receive in the coming weeks.

Right now they’re surviving on keeping salaries low. The rookie minimum is $35k (that’s right, entry level in most jobs requiring a college degree) and the highest pay-scale is slightly over $100,000. They currently break even. Attendance figures are around 8,000 per game, which is roughly 6,000 more than the Nets average (my math might be off). Hey, wait a second! That’s it! To drum up some interest, they can integrate the Nets into the WNBA, and also the proposed white ‘Merican Basketball League for Joe Six Packs! They could also get Marion Barry. That’d be fun!

If they can’t get large interest in women to watch –which they won’t– they’ll need to take very bold steps to appeal to the men. To survive on any level long-term, they’ll have to market sex. It therefore has to become a novelty sport, since men won’t be intrigued by the quality of play. The women will play in lingerie or beach volleyball gear. And they need a legit face of the WNBA. Of course, this will alienate the present WNBA fan base (however many that may be), whom I can only assume would object because it’s sexist (which is totally true). However, that won’t matter. I would definitely watch The Nets or awkward white bigots from Oklahoma take on lingerie attired WNBA teams. Think of how much better that would be. Also, fights will be greatly encouraged…but they will be decided by pillow fights. I mean, it’s better than this. They call this a “brawl”?

If they want to at least make Sportscenter, the fights have to be better. They’d be wise to draft that monster on Baylor who punched the Texas Tech player in the face last week. (Bonus: Baylor alums are known for murdering their enemies. Think that won’t drive up some interest?)

Conclusion: If the league can’t get by as a legitimate showcase for women’s basketball, they need to be absurd. With the Nets, fundie bigot males, Marion Barry, lingerie, a ‘roided up Marion Jones and pillow fights, they have a decent chance. It’s better than what’s out there now. Think it over with a nice glass of Arbor Mist.

As a follow up to JMK’s Knicks article, I’m bringing my Celtics take on the trade deadline.  While I like the Eddie House for Nate Robinson trade, I’m going to write on what the Celtics didn’t do, and that’s trade Ray Allen(‘s contract).  Ray Allen(‘s contract) was an extremely valuable trade chip, and the time [...]

As a Knicks fan, I’ve been conditioned to assume the worst, both in on-court performance and in Front Office moves. Whether it be watching the Knicks collapse in the third and fourth quarters virtually every game, displaying little defensive aptitude and a hearty inclination to haphazardly throw the ball near the hoop; or the decision [...]