Oh snap!

Friend and First Lady of M&A, Bexy, or “Bexarama” to some, recently came across a Bleacher Report article so saturated in doltishness, she felt compelled to respond.

After hours of having been shelled with spats of narrow-minded nonsense from the flat-earthed sportscaster Joe Morgan on a televised ESPN game, I sought refuge on the internet. With it, I must admit that for better or worse, my outlook on baseball changed drastically. I was not alone. In fact, there was a whole community of people rallying against the many sportscasters who propagate false narrative and laugh in the face of irrefutable evidence. My inspiration for change? The first result on my search: FireJoeMorgan, by the comedy master Michael Schur operating under the pseudonym “Ken Tremendous.”

Fire Joe Morgan mostly mocked stupidity in the national sports media, but it’s made me rather hyper-sensitive to stupidity amongst those who write and talk about sports in general. So when I found this article by Tyson C. on the tumor-stimulating Bleacher Report, I was very, very, very excited indeed. Keep in mind, it’s from about a month ago, so some things are outdated.

Preface: I know, I know, it’s unfair for me to attack some random person on Bleacher Report when Jon Heyman is getting paid like a mrazillion dollars to vote for K-Rod in the top spot in AL MVP voting in 2008 and condemn Andrew Bailey for being “a closer on a loser,” but what can I say, the muse moves us all in mysterious ways.

In 2000, the Yankees won their third titles in four years. After barely missing out on another title the following year, it was no doubt that George Steinbrenner ran the most successful franchise in professional sports.

Super writing fail: tasty.

Instead of rewarding who played their asses off for the organization, they got rid of long-time contributors Tino Martinez, Paul O’Neill (retirement). Chuck Knoblauch, David Cone, Scott Brosius, Luis Sojo, Orlando Hernandez, David Justice, Glenallen Hill, Alfonso Soriano, Shane Spencer, Enrique Wilson, Denny Neagle, Jeff Nelson, Jose Canseco, Mike Stanton, and Dwight Gooden all in a span of two years. The classless way they ran the team soon came back to haunt them.
Hmmm. Let’s take this assertion on a case-by-case basis.

Tino Martinez: It was probably not a particularly smart move to get rid of him when we did, though it’s understandable why; Tino was a good player, but he wasn’t the elite hitter you want out of a first baseman, whereas Giambi was. You win, Tyson!

Paul O’Neill: He retired, sending white people everywhere into an irrational rage.

Chuck Knoblauch: Chucky had a 100 OPS+ in four years with the Yankees. He topped out with a 112 OPS+ in 1999. That’s decent production if Knoblauch had been an elite defensive 2B, but he wasn’t, especially because he fell off a cliff after 1999. By the 2000 playoffs, he couldn’t play second base at all; he was the DH or he pinch-ran. He was the main left fielder on the 2001 Yankees, but he played that position terribly and had an 82 OPS+ to boot. He moved on to the Kansas City Royals in 2002 after the Yankees let him go, where he posted a 50 OPS+ in 336 PA, then retired. His value was a negative at that point. Keeping him wouldn’t have accomplished anything other than making the Yankees a worse team. This might make sense for the Mets, but not for the Yankees.

David Cone: I love Coney, but his wheels fell off in 2000. He had a 6.91 ERA (!!!) with an ugly WHIP of 1.768 and OPSA of .891. He was getting at least somewhat unlucky, with a crazy .345 BABIP and a FIP lower than his ERA by about a run and a half, but keep in mind, he was getting paid $12M in 2000, which probably explains why he wasn’t taken out of the rotation altogether. That $12M was the third-highest salary in the AL, the sixth-highest in all of baseball, and more than anyone else on the team save Bernie. Cone was okay with the Red Sox in 2001, with a 4.31 ERA in 135.2 innings, but it’s understandable why the team let him walk, especially when they signed Moose.

Scott Brosius: He retired; he also kind of sucked. A bizarrely high number of people, however, love reminiscing over his good games. Like, all four of them.

Luis Sojo: Sojo was mostly a utility guy. He had a career OPS+ of 71 and never once had an OPS+ of 100 or better. Heck, in a 13-year career, he only OPS+ed over 90 twice. In seven years with the Yankees, he had an OPS+ of 62. In 2001 he only had 84 PA so it’s a very small sample size, but he posted an OPS of seven. Yes, that’s the number seven. Not seventy. Seven. Again, keeping him wouldn’t have accomplished anything other than making the Yankees a worse team.

Orlando Hernandez: Like with Cone, I am a huge fan of El Duque, but the guy is like 89 years old. The Old Man and the Sea is actually about him, believe it or not. He was also frequently injured. We traded him to the White Sox, who traded him to the Expos, after 2002 (not after 2001), where he spent the entire 2003 season sidelined with rotator cuff surgery.

David Justice: Justice was awesome in 2000. We might not have won without him. However, groin injury (if you were a dude married to Halle Berry, I think you’d have a groin injury too. From, you know, overuse. THANK YOU I WILL BE HERE ALL NIGHT!) sapped a lot of his usefulness in 2001. At the age of 35, he posted a 98 OPS+ and mostly DHed. He had a decent year in Oakland when the Yankees let him go after 2001, but Oakland had signed him as basically just an “experiment” to see if older players lost their batting eye or not. Not the greatest vote of confidence.

Glenallen Hill: He was very good with the Yankees in 2000, he was 35 and strictly a DH. Oh, and more importantly, he had a grand total of 143 PA with the Yankees. How can you say he was a “long-time contributor” when he had 143 PA with the organization?! He went to the California/Anaheim/Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of the United States of America of the Universe after 2000, where he got 66 PA and posted a sweet .318 OPS. He retired before June 2001. Again, keeping him would have done nothing but make the Yankees a worse team. You might be sensing a pattern here.

Alfonso Soriano: Well, we didn’t get rid of him until after 2003, so really you shouldn’t include him in this massive group, but anyway, we traded him for Alex Rodriguez. I’d say that trade worked out pretty damn well. And, for what it’s worth, Soriano, who was once a great offensive player at a premium position, recently posted a negative WAR for the Cubs. The Friendly Confines ain’t so friendly when he’s up to bat.

Shane Spencer: Shane Spencer’s story is fun. He was one of the only “scab” replacement players of the strike-shortened 1994 season to have actually made some impact in The Show. He came up from the minors in 1998, and in 73 PA, hit 10 home runs including three grand slams, slugged .910, and had a totally ridiculous 1.321 OPS. Shane’s career after that wasn’t quite so awesome, though. After 1998, with the Yankees, he posted an 89 OPS+. His non-Yankee career consists of, again, an 89 OPS+, and getting hurt a whole bunch. Hmmm, it’s almost like you can’t use small sample sizes to determine a player’s true ability! I’ve never heard something so crazy in my life!
Enrique Wilson: Again, he left the Yankees after 2004, so he’s not in the post-2000 and/or 2001 sobfest group (OH MY GOD WE WERE CURSED BY GLENALLEN HILL, WEREN’T WE?). Anyway, we all know Enrique Wilson was on the team primarily because for whatever reason, he hit Pedro really well, albeit in like 25 at-bats. In his four years with New York, he had a 56 OPS+. At anything other than batting against Pedro, he was more or less downright awful. Repeat after me, kiddies: again, keeping him would have done nothing other than make the team worse.

Denny Neagle: He pitched in 16 total games for the Yankees with a 5.81 ERA. He then pitched for Colorado in 2001, 2002, and 2003, posting ERAs of 5.38, 5.26, and 7.90 (with FIPs of 4.81, 5.00, and 7.36). Not a “long-time contributor,” and again, keeping him would have simply made the team worse.

Jeff Nelson: It was not the greatest move to get rid of him, but he was just a bullpen guy. Due to the volatility of relievers, most are expendable.

Jose Canseco: Um, HAHAHAHA at the idea of getting rid of Jose Canseco being a move that was ~not classy~ that cursed the Yankees. But anyway, he had 137 PA with the Yankees, where he OPS+ed 103. That’s not a “long-time contributor.”

Mike Stanton: He left after 2002, not 2001. Like Nelson, maybe not the greatest move to get rid of him, but he was just a bullpen guy.

Dwight Gooden: He’d left the team after 1997. We only got him back in 2000, where he appeared in only 18 games, after the then-Devil Rays – admit it, you miss the tacky green uniforms and the ugly-ass font – cut him, and we signed him on a minor league deal. Then, we actually re-signed him after 2000. We cut him in Spring Training the next year.

But overall, this section can be summed up thusly: JOSE FRIGGING CANSECO!!!!!

If you’re still reading after all that, I salute you, dear reader. Check back tonight for the conclusion of the article.